Spent most of yesterday going through old papers and boxing up our CD collections - I have a bad habit of putting my CDs back into any open case, while Cheryl was horrible about proper storage and keeping the jewel cases, keeping most of her discs in travel envelopes; end result, it took me a couple of hours to property recategorize and box up CDs, and I have several discs without cases and cases without discs.
Different thoughts go through my head on different days. What's been eating at me lately is the feeling that this was all might have been avoidable. I don't know for sure how long Cheryl had that original melanoma on her back, but it was at least a year before she finally got it taken care of at WSU. Then, going through old medical records, I discovered that she never went back to the doctor for followups. Not until she started having tummy problems last summer did she get a primary care provider, four years later.
I can't help but think if: If she had gotten that mole checked and taken care of earlier. If she had gone in for yearly checkups. If I had nagged her more about seeing a doctor...maybe she'd still be alive.
But Cheryl had a number of horrible habits, among them, she was stubborn as a proverbial mule, and he surest way to get her to not do something was to pester her about it. I think she also felt that she was too young to get cancer, this couldn't happen to her, and so on.
I also know, deep down, I can't beat myself up over this. How many people get nasty purple moles that just sit there forever and do nothing? And there's no guarantee that this cancer came from that mole; it could have been lurking there unseen for several years. And even if we'd caught it before it had metastasized, even as a single tumor, once melanoma is in your innards, it's bad news, period. The odds might have improved to 35% over 15%, but we'd still have had a long road ahead of us, going through the same treatments.
It's certainly possible that nothing we could have done would have changed the final outcome.
But that's cold comfort right now.
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4 comments:
I'm the last person to give you a hard time for "what if"s. I've been beating myself up for not keeping up with Cheryl's blog, for not staying in touch, for not even knowing she was that sick.
The only thing I know to do to console myself about past decisions is to ask, did I make the best decision I could with the information I had at the time? And I think you guys did. You had no inkling this could happen, so you went ahead and lived life without worrying about the boogeyman around every corner, or making sure that every CD got into its case. Hopefully that helps some.
Look back only briefly,
and always look ahead compulsively.
Yvonne
Having been in a war, being at the same location as others and not being the one hurt or killed and asking myself why not me and the others there, why that soldier, I have accepted that when it is your time it is your time, no prep, no change in habits, nothing will stop that moment from arriving, you can only hope that you have lived your life such that the folks who loved you, knew you loved them, and that your life is a reflection of your embracing it and all it had to offer, and not of passively watching it. Cheryl's spirit which is never lost, embraced life and gave to others an example that is timeless. I pray that God or the higher spirit in our worlds grants you strength to face each day as it unfolds and gives you peace. We don't control life's end is not in our hands. What a brave man you are to share your grieving process, this blog has shown why Cheryl loved you so much and would light up when she talked about you.
Dave,
I just found out about Cheryl (and this blog) from a high school friend. I'm so sorry for your loss. I knew Cheryl at UO as an undergrad. We were both in a a group of friends that hung out quite a bit. We had a lot of fun back then. It's sad to lose touch until it's too late. I've lost too many friends to cancer of late. Don't blame yourself.
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